Unexpectedly, the Nazis that have been targeting me in every way and systematically destroying my life for many years have taught me that I’m not permitted to stand up to them or to question the world around me. A couple of years ago I had just had enough of this shit and began writing publicly, and as always everything just ends up the same.
It’s of no relevance to them what it is which they are destroying or what freedom it is which they are forbidding, just as long as they can destroy and forbid. This phase came precisely after the phase when I was systematically taken advantage of and witnessed freedom after freedom of mine disappear as punishment for denying in my thoughts that which I am now not permitted to question. By means of great numbers and force, it was made very clear to me that I will not be permitted to deny in my thoughts what is around me, which I did in the first place in reaction to the intolerable conditions under which I had been living for many years. Now, by means of great numbers and force, it has been taught to me that I am not permitted to acknowledge precisely that which I am not permitted to deny either.
The shit has been in full force for about 9 years, according to the measure of time available. Sure enough, it started the way phases always start: by some deception they’ll convince you that you have some special ability, some special instinct, have been chosen in some way, or in one way or another have suddenly aroused the intense interest of very large masses. This will usually come at times when your life couldn’t seem to get any worse, or you have been denying the nature of your surroundings in your thoughts, and so you’ll be more likely to buy into it. If you do buy into it, instantaneously these great masses begin to systematically take away your freedoms one after another, and it always ends up in total shit and with these great masses just beating you to the ground and teaming up against you and telling you what you are and are not allowed to do in regard to the most intimate details of your life. If you don’t buy into it, they’ll just use more force and will end up beating you to the ground and taking away your freedoms one after another by means of more force. This force can come in the form of intense mind rape, psychological punishments, punishments of the senses, conditioning and endless harassment, humiliation, demoralization, simultaneous rejection by very large masses, simultaneous ridicule by very large masses, rejection precisely by anything you develop any sort of attachment to, coercive involvement by masses in everything you do and everything you think, betrayal by anyone that you have any expectation from or that you are under the illusion that they care about you, obliging you to all kinds of tedious chores, coercive and forceful deceptions combined with the knowledge of the consequences of not resisting these deceptions in very overt ways, extreme self-consciousness due to your thoughts being constantly policed and met with punishments, exploitation of your conscience, exploitation of your fears, exploitation of your trust, subjection by masses to all kinds of moralities, proprieties, and standards of every sort which have nothing to do with the world in which you live, the cold indifference and denial by everyone of everything happening in your life, the killing of hope, the killing of spirit, and the killing of every possible freedom. Or it can come in physical forms: punishments of the body by electric shocks, the infliction of other bodily agonies, and of course forcible confinement, the police, and being beat up.
And so, when it just started, I thought it was kind of a joke. I thought that all these great masses had suddenly become inspired by Nietzschean philosophy in some very radical way or something of this sort. I thought that with these things being done to me, it was just understood that I could start smashing things. The society in which I had felt free all my life had suddenly turned into a prison, everyone everywhere suddenly began to become coercively involved in my life, and anything I would try to do would be made extremely unpleasant until it was made understood to me that I am not permitted to do it, and so obviously, since they call themselves people and so must be people, they must at least see that they are coercing me in these ways, not permitting me to do anything positive in my life, forcing me to confront them constantly and then lying about it and calling the police on me, instigating fights and then taking each others’ side against me, turning a blind eye to electric shocks inflicted on my body and denying every single thing happening in my life, and then subjecting me to farcical standards and moralities: it must be that they have benevolently decided to make the conditions of my existence impossible because by spying on my life and policing my thoughts they had found out perhaps that I thrive in difficult conditions or something of this sort (all these exploitations being enabled by years of brainwashing by their books, their music, and their ‘people’). I would frequently get in trouble with the law, but of what importance was that? It’s all just a joke, and obviously this society is not living by its own standards and the standards it’s subjecting me to, and even the police is just playing for the team against me and making in-bad-taste jokes and giving me special treatment. Eventually I decided to return to school, and everyone I encountered that I knew from before was now an asshole, when I was in class I wasn’t permitted to pay attention and the things that call themselves students were just ganging up against me and policing my thoughts, the professors seemed to be ok with it and would just gang up against me and make fun of me as well, and finally that’s when it was revealed to me what the nature of this world is.
Not very long afterwards something was instigated, I responded, and was in police custody. In court, I walked in the wrong direction, and was beat up worse than I had ever been beat up, before or since, by authority figures or non-authority figures, by the cops. The worst I had ever been beat up was by cops, in a court-room, in front of the judge, the lawyers, and the full audience of ‘regular people’. No one seemed to care. A few days later I was released, in prison-outfit, and was quickly rearrested for walking in prison-outfit. I was taken downtown for some ‘outstanding warrant’ (which they never bothered about until then), and spent 2 weeks in jail, which at that time seemed very long. Not too long after this I was standing in a train station and was arrested and hospitalized for 2 months (the periods of confinement are now getting longer and longer, and being arrested and locked up for 2 months for standing in a train station is pretty much my definition of arbitrary arrest and confinement). Anyways, when released my body was constantly throbbing with agonizing pain that would not ever stop, I could not sit still or stand still for an instant, I was driven and kicked out of everywhere I tried to go in society and not permitted to do anything other than wander from building to building and be constantly harassed and beat up by authority figures for months, and eventually my life was reduced to very very little, my freedoms were non-existent, and I ended up spending about 2 years in confinement for something that I did do (if this world wasn’t imaginary), although my sentence was 2 months in jail, but thanks to the mental health system confinement can be indefinite. Obviously there were many experiences in confinement, including being forced to take medication, being beat up, subjection to degrading treatment, and being told what to do all the time, but I don’t feel like going into any more detail about that now.
When finally released I was quite paralyzed. I was too afraid to go outside and thought that I would be arrested when going outside. When sitting at home, every rustle of the leaves, blowing of the wind, knocking at the door, and engine of a car, I thought was the police coming to arrest me. This was exploited of course, and every opportunity was taken to instill more fear in me. This went on for a long time, and finally there began to be increased instances of me having to encounter ‘people’ and talk to them. At this point, I pretty much just hate and fear them, as well as feel a very great repulsion to being around them due to them policing my thoughts, because if somebody is policing your thoughts as you are thinking them, there is no distance too great which can really be put between you and them. They were of course all assholes who would just force me to deal with them so they can make me feel unfit and reject me as well as police my thoughts. My ability to say no to them or to exercise any will against them has of course disappeared due to my constant fear of arbitrary arrest. This is of course exploited and the pressures to conform to their activities are made to be perceived as commands to conform to the herd or else you are relapsing into your destructive ways and can be arbitrarily locked up again (in some instances this was explicit). Anyways, ‘people’ were all now these things that police my thoughts, are assholes to me whenever I’m forced to talk to them, and which I’m not permitted to stand up to and around which I just have to smile and endure their abuse and try not to transgress their standards of propriety and certainly give no one the impression that I have any criminal intentions, which was obviously exploited and used to increase the abuse and to stretch the limits of my acceptance and tolerance and to test my resolve not to put up any fight against them. This went on for quite some time.
Eventually I went back to school. Everything I am doing at this point is just a result of pressures to conform. Of course I have to now sit around hundreds of the things that police my thoughts, as they police my thoughts, and cannot retaliate. They of course do precisely that: police my thoughts by the abuse of my senses. I am not able to pay attention to a single thing, but must attend the lectures nonetheless so that my thoughts can be policed for these designated periods while I cannot move or make the slightest sound, so that I can then say that I attend their schools now. I am of course not able to ignore that the abuses of my senses are corresponding to my thoughts in very obvious and coercive ways, but if I say anything about it this will be too easy to dismiss, although at this point I was just dealing with it as the direct policing of my thoughts and nothing else, because I wasn’t saying anything about it and didn’t have to deal with anything other than the abuse itself. Anyways, I took one course per semester, and even that was too much. First professor taught me that I have to conform very carefully to the instructions or I will bring home a bad grade. Second and Third professors were designated to encourage me to exercise more freedom. Let’s see, nothing good ever happens in my life, there is nothing good around me, there is nothing good about those around me, I have nothing but fear of them and hate them because they obsessively harass me and are assholes who take every opportunity to reject me, and they police every thought I think and yet I must accept them as people because they can arrest me. What freedom do I want to exercise? I will commit thought-crime: I will deny every single thing happening around me. Thought-crime enables one to also participate in societal activities, get a job, join facebook, walk on the street alone without being afraid of the police, and do whatever one wants within society, just as long as you are committing thought-crime at every moment. (Denial of my surroundings is considered thought-crime, because those policing my thoughts in very inhumane ways expect themselves to also be taken very seriously in moral ways, and constantly try to use all kinds of human contexts to police my thoughts as well. The only reason why it came to denial in the first place, incidentally, was as a result of their excessive involvement in my thoughts, and that whenever I acknowledge the nature of what’s around me, this to them is an invitation to significantly increase their coercive involvement in my thoughts).
Then the summer ended. By this time I was implicitly being accused of murder by the herd, was worn out from my slave-job, and was also worn out from denying constantly every single thing around me within my thoughts. I was still committing thought-crime though. Everyone kept wearing and wearing away at me, and the fourth professor was just this asshole who participated. Then one of those events I mentioned earlier occurred, and I bought into it, because I had now convinced myself that I am living in a real world and no one is trying to deceive me. then, hell had turned into ten times more hell. On the mentioned social network, everyone began teaming up against me and ridiculing every single thing I would do, and everywhere I would go in society everyone was just doing the same. Everyone became ten times more coercively involved in every single thing I did. I was taught that if I retaliate auditorily to their auditory abuses I can keep them more at a distance from my thoughts without having to practice denial in my thoughts. I went to the fifth (and final) course, and was of course confronted by hundreds of those who are there to gang up against me and police my thoughts. I can now retaliate, I thought. No. These pieces of shit will not permit me to ignore for an instant that they are policing my thoughts and abusing my senses. If I am silent, they will just become louder and louder. If I say anything about it, they’re protected by deniability and can just ridicule me or further target me because it’s so easy to dismiss this. But it is ensured that I am not able to ignore that these things are done on purpose, and if I go to such extremes as practicing denial in my thoughts they will just go to greater extremes not to permit me to ignore that they are doing it on purpose.
They just keep insisting and insisting on this stupid shit year after year, and then I’m the only one who is truthful about it, and then if I try to protect myself against it and act in response to them, then suddenly I am what they are within the context of them being what they call themselves. And so by acting in a like manner to themselves to keep them the hell away from my thoughts, I had thereby ‘singled myself’ out, because the instant you respond to the parasites suddenly the parasites had never done a single thing and you had suddenly behaved in response to what they are while they are suddenly not what they are, and can converge on you by the hundreds. These switches can occur within the span of seconds. A vicious war was waged on me by hundreds of students and the professor. They would make fun of me and gang up against me and accuse me of all the most hypocritical bullshit, by the hundreds. When I went outside, it was by the thousands, and everyone was of course participating. They had pretty much made it known to me that I am not permitted to be there. Once I was sitting near the back, and the professor turns right to me in a lecture room with hundreds of students, stares right at me and keeps staring right at me and talking about school-shooters, and during every other lecture he was just making fun of me constantly and talking about my life, and so one standing in front of hundreds of students is just there to play for the team, and the whole set-up is a charade because I am always the only one singled out. No one had any problem with it. At the same time, humiliation was being used against me on the social network, everywhere I would go in society, and by everyone I would interact with, sectors of society were viciously targeting me, and then I tried going out with ‘friends’ for the first time in a while, who were of course cold assholes to me, while everyone around was making it known to me that going out with ‘friends’ is something that they will definitely not permit me to do. all of society was suddenly becoming a hundred times more abusive because I had ventured to go meet with ‘friends’, and they would just not tolerate that and waged a vicious war against me that day. Finally it was an all out war, I was not permitted to be anywhere, and everyone was just rejecting me and abusing me everywhere I would go. And that’s when I had enough of this shit and started writing.
Everything always ends up the same. I am not permitted to question society, and I have to worry about retributions being inflicted on me for things I write next time I go outside or encounter any of them. If I don’t write, there will be expectations from me to keep attempting to communicate with them, while they prey on communication and cannot be communicated with. They are all impostors, they are all there to play for the team, and they’ll just keep using whatever facet required to police your life by their fake moral authorities. They’ll even bring impostors of the reverse-panopticon and use it against you as well. When there were musicians that I liked, for example, they would just use their authority in very personalized ways against me as well, and for the benefit of the team. If something needs to occur next time I go outside to police my life, it will occur next time I go outside by whatever or whoever required. Eventually you realize communication with them is meaningless. Then, I am targeting them by giving them the impression that they have taken away my freedoms. But they have taken away my freedoms, very adamantly, and I would like them to have that impression, although I don’t think they actually do.
